This post is inspired by Invading Holland’s funny
winter spring- related cartoon. How
very appropriate. We agreed on the fact that this winter doesn’t know how to
retire gracefully. So I decided to take matters into my own hands, and… fire it.
Spring, right? Birds are chirping, flowers are growing. Except the flowers are shaking and probably have fevers, and the birds can’t chirp because their throats are sore.
Frankly speaking, winter, you’ve had your turn for the last few months, and well, shouldn’t you be thinking about retirement? After all, your contract only lasted from December to March 21st, right? You didn’t think you’d get a permanent contract, right? Sorry, but this is spring’s shift, and you’re totally overstepping your boundaries.
I’ll just start with the fact that you really could have had mercy with a pregnant woman. Do you know how much it cost me to put on my winter boots with a belly the size of a baseball? Did you know you almost ruined my winter jacket because I had to suck my belly in real hard in order to zip up this stupid jacket? Do you know how much time it takes to wrap the children up in their winter clothing and how absolutely annoying it is? Going anywhere took forever. The children were grumpy because this weather just wasn’t made for going outside. I was grumpy because it was cold. My husband had around four thousand colds this year, which really took a lot of his energy, just when I needed him most. Surprisingly, I was fine until… today I woke up with a horribly sore throat and a slight fever. And yet, weeks later, you are still here. I am lighter and slimmer now, and have had my baby boy, but it is still annoying to have to be doing all these things in the middle of March.
And speaking of my beautiful baby boy, I want to proudly present him to well, pretty much anybody, but guess what? I can’t! I have to stay inside because it is so cold. And please take a second to consider all the psychological damage you’ve caused. I am getting very frustrated and instead of going out for walks I want to put on the contents of my whole wardrobe and cuddle up on the couch. I love cuddling up on the couch, except sometimes I don’t want to because I prefer to go for a walk. And I can’t. I stayed at home for days after birth, and am so ready to go out and do more than the occasional trip to my local Albert Heijn. But I can’t because you’re still here.
So, my decision is: I want you gone, winter. I am sorry for the harsh words but I can’t take it anymore and just want to go outside. Your shift is over anyway. I am giving you three days to leave. And you know what will happen if you don’t? As you may know I am Polish. I’ve seen worse winters- colder and longer, but neither was just as annoying as you. And do you know what we Polish people do with bad winters when they refuse to leave when their time comes?
That’s right. We BURN them. And then, we DROWN them. You don’t believe me? Check out this link. True story.
So, beware of the Polish people, and get lost.