A while ago, I wrote a post
on whether expat women get judged more. As you know, I had a rather traumatic
experience with being judged and so am thinking about this topic a lot. And
nowhere is this judgement as visible as in the case of parenting. Hence, this
post asks a slightly different question: is being an expat mom more confusing?
When you become a mom, suddenly
the world becomes a very confusing place. Everybody is so keen on giving you
the best advice possible, and you soon find yourself overwhelmed with the
different do’s and don’ts. The advice you’re getting often contradicts each
other. Your parents tell you one thing, your in-laws another, and your friends and
doctors something else entirely. And then, you have your books, articles, and Internet
forums. Sometimes, it is hard to say who is right.
Now, imagine that you find
yourself in a strange country. Your family and friends still provide you with
contradictory advice, but on top of that, you’re also dealing with cultural
differences in raising children. Your expat friends come from different
countries with traditions and you will also get different answers to your
questions.
Cultural differences are real,
and many of us find ourselves overwhelmed with them. Check for example the
wonderful blog of Kim of Mama Mzungu
where she writes about living in Kenya and dealing with cultural differences.
And I think this article on InCulture
Parent shows a pretty extreme example of a situation where there are
cultural differences on top of the usual issues between the young mom and her
MIL. I wrote
about this very topic as well because it can also come as a shock when being
confronted with other parenting choices makes you question your own.
Whether you are an expat parent
or not, I believe that having choices is never a bad thing. The choices may
seem overwhelming, and often can make you feel unsure of your decision, but it
is always better to have choices in parenting than raise your children in a
certain way just because “everybody does it this way” and “We’ve always done it
this way”.
Being an expat parent doesn’t necessarily
have to be more confusing. Being away from your home country with its unique
traditions of parenting can offer you some perspective and free you of societal
pressures that may be prevalent in your country. Having distance on parenting
issues can help you find whatever works best for you.
This may well depend on where you
are and where you’re from. Some traditions may seem more confusing than others,
because sometimes they seem to be really weird, and are maybe even discouraged
in your home country. Sometimes you may find that the way children are raised
in your new country isn’t so different after all!
But there is much more to
parenting than just the way you raise your children, and this is where for me, it
can really get confusing. There are formalities to be done, doctors to be
found, and, later, schools to be picked. Each country has different
requirements for documents and certificates. The healthcare and educational
systems are different. I think this is more confusing that while you can either
adopt or ignore other culture’s parenting practices, but you can’t ignore
formalities and official requirements. Your children may not need a certain
cultural parenting practice, but they do need a doctor and they need a school.
They need passports, possibly visas, birth certificates, and thousands of other
formalities. And everybody who has ever dealt with beaurocracy
knows how confusing it can be.
So, while being an expat parent
can be very confusing and overwhelming, it doesn’t necessarily has to be more
so than being a parent in your own country. There are aspects of being an expat
parent that are more confusing than others. Every expat family is different and
a lot depends on how culturally distant the countries are from each other and how
a family reacts to being confronted with the multitude of information they
encounter when they become parents.
What were your experiences with
raising children in a different country? Was it confusing or not?
Having only experienced raising children in a foreign country (Germany), I can't really compare it to what it would have been like raising children in my home country (UK) but I do find the cultural differences cause extra complications. For example,I have experienced and blogged about problems with my oldest son's nursery as I just don't always understand some of the German traditions and know what is expected of me (and my son) at those times. I think this has offended people sometime which is a little frustrating and of course unintentional.
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah, thanks for your comment! I also only have the experience in raising children in a different country, and I think in my case it would have been more difficult to do it in Poland since the pressure would be much higher on me. And, yes I agree with you, some traditions at Dutch daycares were also unknown to me and it was more difficult. And ye,s sometimes it is possible to offend people in other cultures without realising it.You have to be extra careful!
DeleteI think this is an issue in intercultural marriages too. My husband is the expat, not me and we've made parenting decisions that go against the cultural norm & even my own preconceived notions. I get "helpful" advice that I somewhat agree with but out of love for my husband I don't practice. It's double hard to stand up for parenting decisions that I'm not 100% sold on. Being a spouse & being a parent sometimes means giving up the way you expected things to be.
ReplyDeleteHi Yogamama, great point, thanks for bringing it up! Luckily, in the majority of cases the children grow up to be just fine! I am also in a similar situation with my husband's family trying to be helpful...but I usually ignore them so no harm done :)
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